Rants and Ramblings: random commentary about culture, media, politics, technology and whatnot.

dance-off

The finale of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars was nearly a week ago, yet I’m still fuming a bit over the outcome. While I’ll concede that winner Kelly Monaco (of ABC’s General Hospital) was probably one of the hardest-working contestants, showing genuine progress from episode to episode, she was by no means the best dancer on the show. That honor should have gone to John O’Hurley (best known as J. Peterman in Seinfeld), who consistently offered solid, entertaining performances every week.

Salon TV critic Heather Havrilesky suggests that Monaco’s … assets … may have played a large part in her success on the show.

Just to prove that I am, indeed, 3,000 years old, let me add that no, of course I didn’t miss the finale of “Dancing With the Stars” (see also: The Best Show of the Summer), and I was a little disappointed with the results. Now, I’ll admit, Kelly Monaco has a belly that cries out for tequila shots. I’ll also admit that she’s plucky and likable and I’ve been rooting for her over, say, Rachel Hunter or Evander Holyfield. I’ll even admit that she’s very fit and flexible and therefore very good at those crazy lifts and back walkovers and other sexually perverse athletic stunts. But girlfriend can’t dance. She can shimmy, sure, she can shake it, but she can’t actually dance. So I was annoyed that she won, and irritated that the judges all gave her three 10s in her last performance when, well, it was flashy but the dancing wasn’t any good.

John O’Hurley (J. Peterman from “Seinfeld”) can dance. He can’t shake his ass, and his gut doesn’t cry out for tequila, but he can dance. Fit little bunny rabbits may be taking over the universe (and more power to them), but this is a show called “Dancing With the Stars.” Remember? Let’s say it together: “Dancing With the Stars”! Now, can we please hold on to our creaky Lawrence Welk values for long enough to vote for the guy who does a mean quick-step, instead of being hypnotized by big, bouncing boobies?

Who am I kidding? Big, bouncing boobies win every time, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Meanwhile, Entertainment Weekly’s Popwatch posits something more sinister: corporate synergy … which makes a lot of sense, and only makes me more bitterly cynical about the whole thing.

Here’s their beef: The three judges for ABC’s huge hit (Wednesday’s finale scored 21.8 million viewers in the overnights, the highest ratings of any series this summer) gave 10s to Monaco, star of ABC’s daytime soap General Hospital, for a freestyle routine that had several noticeable glitches (at one point, Monaco appeared to stop dancing and observe pro partner Mazo to remember her steps); the perfect tally allowed Monaco to overtake season-long frontrunner O’Hurley in the judges’ portion of the scoring. Adding fuel to the plot, Monaco’s post-victory speech included the line, “I’m going to Disneyland,” which prompted host Tom Bergeron to joke about the show’s love of “company synergy.” (Disney is the corporate parent of ABC.)